Help. I'm drowning.

fuckthisshit

Pain. Guilt. Regret. Utter embarrassment.

I think if there were prizes for Biggest Asshole, there'd be no competition at all.

I'd win it hands-down and it won't be the first time.

Why do I do the shit I do? Fuck I feel so stupid!

Normal people learn from their mistakes. I just find new ways to make them bigger and stupider.

I managed to single-handedly drag more than 10 people all at once, through a shitstorm of drunken drama and tears, wasting everybody's time and energy and money. Fuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuuuccckkkittttt.

Now, 20 hours later, I feel like shit physically and mentally. My head throbs and I am still throwing up, even though at this point, there's nothing left but water and stomach acids. Haven't had anything to eat in over 24 hours because food is like the last thing on my mind. Been having this sudden flashes of hot and cold.

Inside, I just wanna die. I have an intense desire to run away, but I don't know where to. The guilt and self-loathe is so unbearable that I just want someone to pinch me by the ears and say that I've been a bad child and cane my hands till they bleed or something.

The thing is, even at my most drunken, I never completely forget. I lose control but I don't lose memory and the remembrance of all the stupid shit I said and did makes it so much worse because I know I was unreasonable and stubborn and everyone was getting fucking tired. It'd be so much easier if I could forget the disappointed faces, the worried eyes, the angry shouting and the tired sighs that I caused.

Now I have a whole bunch of people who don't really know me, and a another bunch that really means something to me, hating my fucking guts.

Seriously, someone just take a gun and blow my fucking brains out now why don't you?

Happy Mid-Autumn Yo!

My cousin very thoughtfully & lovingly invited us over to her place this evening so we wouldn't have to spend Mid Autumn Festival by ourselves, seeing as it is such a family occasion, which I thought was one of the sweetest (non-romantic) gestures anyone has ever shown me in quite a while.

I didn't even notice that the Mooncake Festival was upon us until everyone started blabbing about it on Facebook.

I politely turned it down for a very spirited 20-minute run and a solitary night of frozen food.

(I'm just saying, not throwing a pity party so none of that here, shoo!)

(I guess I'm just feeling a teensy bit antisocial lately. Different case here but especially with friends, who sometimes just keep asking the same thing over & over I just feel like screaming + punching someone)

Back to the story, I mean technically, a steamboat is just another, slightly fancier way of cooking frozen food no?

And I don't think I've ran that fast in quite a bit. I was about to collapse from exhaustion when I got back home (Sunday night parties tend to do that teehee) but the moment I started running it felt so good. Rage seems to be a good motivator.

Yup, anger is (was) the emotion of the moment, which is a departure from the usual denial (number 1) and bargaining (number 2). Now it's back to number 1. All three are very unpleasant though. I wish they would stop sometime soon.

Like A Good Husband...

Good salons & hairstylists are so very hard to find. The nice ones might not know how to cut your hair, the ones who do might be halfway across town while the good & near ones more often than not charge a bomb.

My best haircut ever was a friend's friend who spent almost 1 and a half hour cutting my hair, telling me what's wrong with it, what I should do to correct it, and the do's and don'ts I must tell my future hairstylist. After that cut, I was happy with my hair for like 3 months. He cut it nicely and it grew out fantastic. All these for only less than RM THIRTY FIVE. The catch? He lives in Bukit Mertajam in Penang.

After that (but before becoming a PJ guy) I always go to the auntie in Connaught. She has hits and misses, but I haaaattteeee trying out new salons. I hate unfamiliar places and faces. I hate making decisions on which salon to go on 'feel' alone. I hate trying out different hairstylists, letting them fuck up your hair which you have to live with for months, I hate telling them things and they pretend to listen and then fuck up anyways. I hate when they pretend they know exactly what your hair issues are and how you want it cut and then go on cutting it the only way they know how.

Wow, I sound like I have so much anger it isn't even funny. But really, these are just some long-pent-up feelings. LOL. So yeah, I always dread when the last hairstylist didn't work out and I have to search for a new one. Goodness that sounds like a relationship, but I guess in a way it is?

So anyways, the last hairstylist gave me this hideous bob at the back which I was dying to get rid of because it's so hot and heavy. As in panas dan berat and not hot-and-heavy-with-a-stranger-in-da-club kind. Was in Aman Suria to pick up stuff and since there were salons galore I just took a walk and entered one randomly.

30 mins later, I left a happy, happy fella. Not only does the salon looks nice, it was near my house, easy to reach, easy to find parking, a cute dog was running inside, the guy who did my hair knew immediately how to cut these damn curls, listened to what I said, doesn't charge an arm and a leg and OMG he's soooo effffing hawt. Tall, tight jeans, big biceps, deep voice, yummmz.

And then........ this afternoonI found out my sluttie bestie once slept with him. We were all LOLs and WTFs. Hahaha tiny gay world, that's how it is.

I can't believe I just went on and on about hair, of all things. I know that automatically makes me A Shallow Person. I used to not give two shits about hair at all but I've come to realize that I am not a gorgeous model and if you have good hair, it helps and Lord knows I need all the help I can get =)

Lucky I Didn't Study Business

Today I got home from work relatively early [it was still bright outside] and I had already planned to have a productive evening ahead.

I was going to go for a run, and then I would go home and start on my assignment. God knows I can't afford to delay any more. I have two papers due this week and a presentation on the weekend. Not a single thing has been put to paper yet.

I thought of sneaking in some assignment time at work, now that I've got my own workstation but things have been piling up at work, in the best way possible! I've got quite a few things to work on now and I'm so so happy :)

So... I got home, saw my bed, fell face down, and oh look it's 9p.m and I'm all sore and dizzy for falling asleep in the wrong position, at the wrong time.

After two hours of Kardashians I finally start and now, 45 minutes later I'm already zoning out, procrastinating by coming here to write [after weeks of neglect! Looks like I only blog when there is something I want to avoid doing hee hee] when I should be writing my bloody business plan.

I don't even know where to start. Marketing classes were years and years ago. I look at the terms and I have a vague idea that I've seen them before but I don't know how am I going to come up with 20 intelligent-sounding slides that are gonna make people want to invest in my little publication.

At times like this, I thank heavens for Google.

Rachel Zoe Project

Today I went with my colleague to source and pull items for a shoot. It was so exciting! I felt like Brad Goreski. You go to all the designer showrooms and stores, touch pretty dresses, and say things like, "I'll have this whole rack" or something.

I finally see the office having some sort of fashion closet with all the hangers and garment bags around. Very September Issue :)

We even got style-papped walking in Pavilion, which I found really funny, because of all the times I go out in ridiculous outfits, today was the day someone wanted to take a pic of what I was wearing. Shows that less is really more for a lot of people. Not me though, more is always more!

I mean, what was so interesting about a navy sweater, grey jeans and black hi-tops? Other than the fact that it was ALL women's wear [head to toe to bag]. I only realized that when I looked down at my clothes because they asked me to describe them, and inside I was laughing. I am such a tranny.

When I got back to the office, there were only 10 minutes left till 6. I thought of getting maybe a teensy bit work done but then I saw people in the office marching towards the back.

It was the Cleo sale! They were really systematic. They had cashiers and bouncers [!] and everything set up on tables with big price labels printed out, like a proper warehouse sale. Our sale was just 4 big boxes and everybody clawing through them, and I thought separating the products into categories was already being really organized. LOL.

I think it's the last of the sales. I skipped almost all of the rest [MWW, Cosmo, the marketing team] cuz I didn't want to spend any $ but I was curious so I went and took a peek. Mygodddd it was so worth it.

While everyone stormed the beauty table, I went to the CDs and picked up almost allllll the CDs I've always wanted to get, but never got around to. For only RM2 each! 2 bucks was also the price I paid for the foundation that I'm currently using and running out of. My exact shade and it's the only bottle on the table. I was like, WHOA GRAB.

Add that to my RM5 Benefit and Guerlain [RM5! Benefit! Guerlain!] stuff from the other day's Bazaar sale and I is a happeee happppee beeeetch.

And then 6 o clock, I went downstairs, and got the most amazing surprise ever. Like, I don't think anybody ever did that for me. Totally diabetes ;)

No Like

I guess this is one of life's many, ahem, learning opportunities that each person just has to go through.
Today I had to take responsibility [and the resulting consequences] of something that I didn't even do in the first place.
Months ago, this sort of unfairness would have me waving clutches in people's faces... but I guess WORKING PEOPLE are just more responsible than that. Har Har. I love saying that. Interning is still a job RIGHT?
I didn't even want to start any sort of drama, even though I know I was more than partially right.
All I did was just nod, say I'm sorry, say I'm sorry again, smile and bear with it.
Seriously, what's the point of starting some never-ending argument? It would only cause bad blood and that would be b-a-a-a-d because you're gonna have to be in constant contact with them; and when you're at the bottom of the food chain, you cannot afford to be making enemies :)

*****

On a completely unrelated note, my tummy has been home to jittery, fluttery butterflies this past week. The good kind. They've been missing a long time. I catch myself smiling like a loony to nobody in particular every now and then. Anyways, talking about it = jinxing it + it's much too soon to even know what it is = ishallstopnowfullstop

Scare of My Life

Yesterday I almost lost my phone again. Okay, I've practically lost it, and then I found it back.

After Jacq picked me up, she went to meet a customer [hee hee not that kind] for a while and I waited in the car. I remembered playing that bloody blocks game for a while and then I slept. As far as I know, that was the last time I used the phone.

And then we went to the McDonald's at BU Centrepoint for lunch. Later after I dropped her off, I was heading to Gardens and tried fishing it out of my bag. When I left the office I put it in my bag so I kept thinking it was inside. It wasn't! I started panicking big time; like I couldn't drive at all.

The moment I parked in Gardens, I turned the whole car upside down looking for the damn thing. I was pretty sure it would be on the floor somewhere under the mats or something. Almost died when it wasn't. Quickly borrowed a stranger's phone to call, and there was a dial tone, but I couldn't hear the ringer. It wasn't in the car!

I still had a shitload of stuff to return. I hurried to the boutique and they were slooowww as hell; and I was bloody impatient. And then I had to go to Bangsar followed by KLCC and Pavilion. At the Bangsar boutique I called my phone again. Again it rang. I found it weird cuz usually whoever finds a phone and intends to keep it would usually just switch it off. So inside of me was a little hope, that maybe it's in this magical place in my bag or the car that I just haven't seen or maybe some kind soul was just waiting for me to call so that he/she could return but right now they are using the toilet or in class or something.

Since it wasn't in my bag or in the car, I figured I must have dropped it at McD's because everytime we eat, there'll be tons of wrappers and boxes and tissues and chilli packets and a mountain of fries. Maybe my phone was buried under all those, and I just left. I was like, pleeeeaaase God let the cleaners have found it, and are now safeguarding it for me. And then I felt bad and berated myself, because you'd never see me like, praying or talking to God when I am not in need of something. Heck if I was God I'd punish me for doing it only in trouble or distress. I was already planning like, if someone found it and kept it for me at McD's, I would totally give them a cash reward or something even though I'm broke as shit.

So I went all the way back to BU and the McD people were immediately like, No. Like, they didn't even think about it, or asked anybody else. My heart sank so low. And then I thought, you know what, I'm already here, it's unlikely as hell but why not give it a shot it sure as fuck won't hurt me; so I went down to the parking lot where we parked earlier and I walked to the lot that I was pretty sure we parked in and OMGCANYOUFUCKINGBELIEVEIT my phone is lying there on the floor! I must have put in my lap when I fell asleep and when I got out of the car, it just fell. It was like under another car and I had to get on my hands and knees to reach it.

I was so relieved I could cry. I seriously wouldn't know what to do if I lost it for real. It would be the second time in 6 months. Like WTF right. Not only were there things that couldn't be seen, [ahem], but there were pretty pictures and getting contacts back, having to suspend the line, all that is such a bitch.

I should have known laarh. Only the day before Royce was telling me he had lost his phone 3 times and I told him I'm pretty careless with all my stuff but my phone I tend to keep close to me because I feel naked without it. Like WTF. And then this happened to me. Total jinx okay! Universe playing tricks on me or what.

Gold Coast =)

This is like a month overdue. I came back from such an amazing trip all excited bursting with things to say after seeing and doing so much. Then I left it for one week. Then another. And another. Now my thoughts are all dried up and all I know is I had a really good time. And there were a ton of cuties. That pretty much sums up the whole trip!

Warringa Surf, where we stayed. The whole stretch of beach was dotted with hotels. Some all big and sleek while some are really quaint and cosy. Ours was a quiet one, really comfortable, HUGE space and it just felt soooo home-ish. Ah.
Look at the amazing view. Everyday I keep saying to Joceline, today's the day we'll just sit at the beach and soak up the rays and the view. But not only did our parents with their go-go-GOOOO plans did not allow that, the weather was also not co-operating. It might look super sunny, but the wind + water + 18 degrees weather wasn't the best combination. Don't know how all the hot surfer dudes do it heh heh.
Our ride. Jacqueline and I was all like, now why couldn't we be driving this in KL instead? How ever will we get ourselves used to driving the Kembara again? Sigh. It was such a smooth ride and OMG the roads in Oz were really, really easy to navigate. We brought our Google Maps printouts but by the second day, we didn't really need to refer to them anymore. It's basically one long stretch of straight road with signages everywhere. All the street names were well-placed so you never have to go like, "waitaminute where are we again? Are you sure we didn't pass that street already? Turn back turn back!"
WOOLWORTHS! OMG. Our second home at the Gold Coast. We came to this supermarket every single day, for real. We'd buy groceries, toiletries, snacks, drinks, dinner, breakfast, every thing you could think of.



Kangaroos! I was hoping to see either Jacq or Joceline get boxed by an angry kangaroo, but no such luck. Oh well, I saw baby joeys in their momma's pouches, so that's a consolation. Sadly though, they don't look a thing like the cartoons we see or the illustrations in kiddy books. It is NOT cute at all. In fact, they look downright freaky, like clawed monsters hiding and stretching out the momma's tummy. LOL.






Dreamworld & Water World was fun fun fun fun we so excited! The best ride was definitely the Tower of Terror where you're propelled backwards at like a million kilometers an hour until you're like 50 storeys high or something, and then you're plunged back down at the same speed. Whheee! Couldn't feel my face for 20 minutes after that.

Driving around at twilight =)
Our last night in Australia. The flight was extremely early, and we didn't want to sleep so that we could totally conk out on the plane. We went out instead. To a bar that wasn't really fun, but we had vodka in the car so yeah, alco makes the world a better place!
We also finally, FINALLY got to have our McDonald's which made us very happy because it is our personal mission to sample McD's in as many countries as possible =)
Found a lonely-looking cart just sitting there and we decided to make its life more fulfilling by recruiting it as a prop in an impromptu camwhoremax session.

I also have like a thousand pics of random hotties that Joceline secretly stalked and snapped [har har!]. I'm thinking of printing them out and creating a scrapbook, cuz combined with the ones we snapped in Bali and from vacations past, we have quite a collection going. LOL.

Second Time Around

Days of waking up at 2 p.m 6 days a week then racking my brain to come up with something productive or fulfilling to do are gone!

It feels good to be doing my internship again. I guess it really helps already knowing the people there, and being able to expect the type of work you will be doing. It makes getting into the hang of things so much easier. I'm still a little quiet (for me), but it doesn't feel as awkward, like it's the first day of school or something.

For the first time in my life, I am working AND studying at the same time. I feel a sense of adult-ness and responsibility that I have never felt before. For the past semester or two, I've had classes only once or twice a week. All my friends were like, 'whuuut I so envy your life you get to sleep the whole day' when in actuality I felt so unproductive. Like, WHAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE? LOL so the dramaz.

I was really happy that things fell into place at the last minute. Like, I wanted to start in May but they called and said that they have someone till September. And then, they said if I wanted, I could start in July. So I was like okay, I'll just find some other part time thing to do for two months. Then right when I got back from Australia, they called and said hey you can start next week! I was like YAY. Also, I need to shop for new clothes.

Even classes are going good. When I checked the timetable during break, it was stated that the lecturer from last sem was gonna be teaching us again. I was devastated! Not because he was a bad lecturer, but because I am a bad student! Baaaad I tell you.

His class was all about computers and coding and photoshop and designing. It might as well be in an alien tongue cuz I couldn't understand a single thing. The work I submitted... OMG. It looked like some website in the 90's that got hit by a virus some geeky thirteen year old came up with. Sigh. The lecturer was more than nice; he gave me time to fix it and tried to make it better. I really did try. It was still horrendous. To my IMMENSE relief, he did not fail me! In fact, he was so nice to give me 1 mark more than what the pass rate was. PHEW!

So yeah, I was embarrassed if I had to be in his class again. He'd be all like, oh yeah this was the kid that was such an epic fail. I wasn't ready to face accusatory stares loaded with contempt/disappointment.

So, happy I was when I went to class and saw that it was a different lecturer! LALALALA. And I can't believe it, but the subject is actually fascinating this time. The lecturer is a writer who works for a magazine so the things he talks about are all drawn from real-life experiences. I find myself actually paying attention and wanting to know more, instead of yawning/doodling on my notepad/checking Twitter. Hee hee.