Things That Were Nice This Weekend

1. Movie Time Alone
I think the last time I did this was like, 2007? I used to go for movies alone all the time, especially all the boring movies with no explosions nobody wanted to watch but along the way, I became the kind who needed to go with somebody all the time. I forgot how relaxing it is being in a cold, dark theatre alone (or as alone as can be on a rainy Friday afternoon). I think I'mma do this more often, like once a week :)

And yeah it was about white, middle-aged divorcees but you know, the exes and moving on parts of the movie, I could really relate to that.

2. House hunting
I tell you, I hate it every time I need to move. I hate looking for a new place, I hate the moving process, I hate the settling in again. But OMG I'm so excited now! Cuz it's totally different this time, we getting a place of our own! Imagine, Jacqueline and I gonna be living in the same place. It will be a proper house. We can like, cook and eat in the kitchen. Watch TV in the living room. Instead of doing it all that in a friggin' tiny room, like what we're doing now. Aaahhh! We can bring Sasha down if we want to. We can decorate the whole place like a brothel if we (okay, I) want to. And talking bout decorating, OMG can go siao at Ikea! Also, can like run around naked. Blast the speakers like crazy. I can have a fridge stocked full with all sorts of beer and liquors and mixers! My friends can come over every week and we can have slumber parties, house parties, drinking sessions, mahjong sessions, movie marathons OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG. OK stop. Stop. Don't count chickens before eggs hatch.

3. Getting crazyshitwrecked.
OK, I broke my No-MP-on-Saturdays puasa which has been going on for three weeks dy. Haih. Thought could go one month without Trainwreck Saturdays one. Jacqueline la, so beria-ria hype me up on Friday don't know for what. Oh well, hello again Hungover Sundays.

Yay Finally Pictures!

Yesterday we had a cooking session at a friend's house! It was so much fun :D I think this is like, the first time I'm doing something like this, like really hanging out at a friend's house ever since I started here in September 2008. Usually go people house also for assignment or something like that. Har har shows you how social I am right.

Granted, I did only like 4.5% of the cooking and 65% of the eating but still that's more cooking than I've ever done back at home k? Plus, the other girls were so pro there was nothing left for me to do except become the unofficial food-taster heh heh ;) They were so pro they were cooking and doing everything damn fast. Like, by 7 we were already sitting down to enjoy the yumness :)

Look! I'm cooking! And not only that, it's GREEN okay!

OMG the ultra delicious teriyaki chicken! Looking at this makes me fungry again.

Eating sambil watching Mr. Bean. Very at home punya feel right? Aw.

Rocking out (haha kononnya!) after dinner. At least I'm not a total failure at Guitar Hero lah, **wink wink JemLee cough cough**

Beh Song!

What's the point of giving out numbers if some fat Indian bitch is just gonna cut the queue and then bring her gaggle of friends to the front???

Tak boleh tahan. The tallest and prettiest but also the hairiest obviously thinks she's very entitled, walk up straight to the front of the line.

The short, insecure one at least got a bit of decency to be ashamed. She was like, hey are we cutting the queue actually?

But the fattest and also the loudest was like, no the person said whoever wanna check their documents can come to this desk. Saying it for my benefit la obviously, cuz I was right behind them and was jeling-ing at her. Cibai. Dare to jeling back some more.

Hello, come from the back cannot? Must come from the sides? You got see people queuing sideways ke? She asked you to come to this desk only, she got ask you to cut the queue ke? Got ask you to tell your friends they don't have to queue, just come straight up? Pukimak betul.

So happy when I see their documents rejected over and over again. Change this, write that, you didn't fill up here, you haven't certified that. Bengong. Some things already have very obvious, specific and direct instructions one lor, I don't know why people (not just this gang of rude bitches) can salah all the simple simple things.

But I'm not in a good position to say people lah. My TARC transcript almost got rejected. Ya Allah. If rejected, I gotta go aaaaaallll the waaaay to Setapak to take another bloody transcript lor. WTF right. But luckily dah solved and it wasn't even my fault. TARC don't know how to print transcripts! Hahahah.

Now everything is done. Hopefully approved la OMG. My BB and mah mojitos are already waiting for me!

P.S. Can I actually say that? If someone like reports me, will everything get revoked? OMG hopefully not!

I'm Not Lindsay!

Yay I'm so proud of myself! I managed to resist temptation and stayed home instead of boozing and partying, THREE SATURDAYS in a row! Especially at the beginning of the month, when I'm not broke like hell and can still afford to do so.

I reached home from Pavilion at 10-ish and I thought, maybe I could rest for a couple of hours then run out to the club at around 1 something.

Sometimes it's not like you really want to drink, or really want to dance, or really want hook up with someone. You just wanna be somewhere, doing something.

But staying at home and staring at the computer for 5 hours straight is doing something, right? Right???

I kept thinking to myself 'Control yourself, control yourself!' and Andy's new nickname for me (which is Trainwreck btw) and how I don't want to be known as that and it took all my effort not to dress up and drive out.

It's not like by abstaining from clubbing I'm leading a healthier life or what. It's 4 am and I'm still awake so yep, still unhealthy. It's just that I'm trying to reduce the amount of times I'm stumbling around drunk and slurring at random strangers.

But you know what, my life is like a fucking TV drama. It's unbelievable. Just when I thought, hey I'm better now, moving on, nothing to see here, you can stop worrying about me now, blah blah blah, the shit just like, doubles. Seriously, I don't know how to deal. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL OKAY!

Breathe.

Phew. Seriously, I'm fine. And I don't want pity.

Digressing here:
I just want to strangle someone! Two someones actually. I know I tend to be dramatic and paranoid but I'm not fucking stupid okay? I'm clueless about lots of things like cars and mechanical stuff and artsy fartsy things but NOT about this. I had a hunch and I didn't want it to be right. But I was toooo busybody for my own good and I dug it out (not that it really needed to be dug out) and now would I feel better if I didn't know? I don't know. I think I wouldn't have liked living a lie, even if it's a beautiful one. Now I'm just alternating between feeling pissed and.... yeah, I'm just feeling pissed, like all the fucking time. Who do I hate more? I cannot decide. And yet I still wait for calls and texts and dinners and coming home. GGRRRHHH I hate this kinda split-personality punya uncertainty!

Shit man. Now I feel like I'm going crazy, after re-reading all the things I've written here. How did an entry that started with what seemed like semi-happiness became more and more emo and then ended with all this Rage? With all these crazy emotions in me, no wonder I was drinking like mad the last few weeks. (Last few weeks okay, now my liver and I are back to normal!)

And an even more important question, why am I still stuck on this after so many days, weeks??? Usually I'm an excellent bounce-backer. I'm superb. I laugh at people, I laugh at myself. Nothing fazes me. So why now like this? WHY? Is it because You Won't Get Out of My Fucking Life? Or is it because The One Who Was Supposed to Help Me Get Through It is now causing a whole other set of headaches and heartbreaks?

Oh well, I'm a strong bitch. And this is already much much longer than it should have been. It was supposed to be a few lines, a "Hey look at me! I stayed home! I'm a good boy! Not an alco! Not Lindsay! Woohoo!" kinda thing and then it turned into this. Siao.

I guess it's cuz now I have lots of things to say and no one to say it to. LOL. And I really do feel better after this massive how-do-I-feel vomit, so whatever helps right? At least I'm not doing drugs =D

This Is A Bit Personal, But I Gotta Get It Off My Chest

You always asked me, how do I feel about you now,
And I always say, I don't know.
That's because I really don't.
Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I get so sad. Sometimes I miss you with all my heart.
Surely, if you're able to bring out the most extreme emotions in me, if I can still feel so much, so strongly about you, surely underneath all that, there's still love somewhere, no?

But now I've figured it out.
For one week you were not here. It was the one week I needed you the most.
For everyday that I did not see your face and hear your voice, my heart died a little bit more.
Everyday I tried to deal with the grief, everyday I tried a different way.
And then you came back.
And there was relief, and this strange sense of joy. It was joy yes, but it was bitter and twisted also.
You see, I used to love you with all my heart but since we left each other and in the days that followed, a part of my heart has died.
Of course I still love you, I think I always will but now there's this dead thing in the equation.
They are side by side and connected to each other.
You still move me and the side of the heart that is still alive and well and longing for you but everytime it moves it pulls at the other side and it hurts.
It hurts so fucking bad.
I see you and a smile bubbles up and I wanna hug you so bad and then this pain comes and remind me.
And that is why everytime I kiss you, you taste my tears.

So far, I only know one cure for this condition and it's not even a cure, not even permanent.
It only stops me temporarily from feeling what both sides of my heart wants me to feel.
For a while, that was enough for me.
Once the feelings came again, I would start again.
But.
I've experienced first-hand, twice now, how too many whiskey on the rocks and G&T's and vodka limes and Long Islands can ruin your fucking life and make you wanna kill yourself in the morning.

But even typing this now I know it's not true.
There is a better way to end this pain for good.
You know how sometimes after you accidentally cut yourself or something, a few days after there would be this piece of like scabby skin on top or at the sides of the wound?
And you don't wanna peel it off because peeling it off would really really really hurt and then after that you'd have to look at the reddish-yellow still-oozing-with-pus flesh underneath?
But you know, you just gotta grit your teeth and try to stand the pain of pulling that fucking piece of skin off really fast.
And a few days later, the flesh that looked so fucking disgusting won't look so bad anymore.
It would have started to heal.

Of course, you know that I'm not calling you a piece of scabby skin.
But, I'm pulling you off now.
I'm going to let you go.
I'm going to try.

I'm Doing A Seline!

Ooookaay, this is gonna make me look like a self-absorbed, spoilt brat but really, I am just thinking of you and trying to make your life that tiny bit easier! As I've been going on and on for ages, I think now everybody knows that my birthday is next week so if you have been racking your brains day and night and every single minute (as I know you must have!) thinking of what to get me, of what would make me happiest, then this LIST is just the thing for you.

Okay, people sometimes get the misconception that I'm a high-maintenance diva, I don't know why! I'm a simple boy, from a simple village in Terengganu, simple things make me happy. So let's get the low-maintenance, no brainer gifts out of the way first shall we?

1. Books
I spend a lot on books but still, not enough. Most of the time I blow my allowance on clothes rather than at the bookshop so there's a few books that I've wanted to get since forever but just didn't for some reason or other. It'd be nice if someone got me books cuz it's something that I'd definitely use anyways =) Off the top of my head, a few books I can think of that I want right now are Map of the Invisible World - Tash Aw, The Girl With Glass Feet - Ali Shaw, Still Alice - Lisa Genova. I'm sure there are others. You know my type; funny, witty, a sucker for sad stories or love stories or even better sad love stories, I like pretty covers.

2. CDs
I know right. CDs???? Well, I'm a very traditional guy when it comes to music. For acts I really like, I don't really do the download thing. I get their CDs so I can play it over and over in the car and look at the pretty artwork and sing-along. Plus, my broadband is slow as hell so I don't attempt any heavy duty downloading on it. Echo by Leona Lewis and The Boy Who Knew Too Much by Mika would be nice additions to my music collection, thanks :) P.S No Malaysian editions, please, cuz I want the booklet also.

3. Accessories
I'm just including this cuz I broke my fave pair of shades while I was in Bangkok and I really want a new one. They don't even have to be expensive. My old one was from Vincci! LOL. But of course if someone wants to gimme RayBans I'm not gonna be complaining. I think accessories are fairly easy presents, no? Also, right now I'm seriously into animal jewelry :)

4. Gift Vouchers!
I know some people might hesitate giving gift vouchers because some people don't like receving them; the general thought being that not much heart and effort goes into choosing gift vouchers. Not for me! Heart? Effort? Apa bende tuh??? I love vouchers! A load of Starbucks and/or Topshop/Topman ones would be sooooo appreciated!

Okay, I think I'm done with the easy, generally inexpensive presents so let's move on to the slightly more mid-range ones which you might be thinking of getting as a shared present or whatever.

5. Perfumes
No one can have too many bottles of perfume! Actually I've finished all of mine and just managed to swindle a ck Free from Daddy so there's room for many, many more! ck is more or less my go-to, I like Euphoria, Eternity, etc. Issey Miyakes also I like but I forgot la all their names, they all sound long, same and complicated. Polos also not bad. Happy choosing!

Now, I'm gonna put on the list a couple of things I know no one's gonna get me, unless you're like a mix between Mommy + Santa Claus or just won a hundred k in the lottery but a bitch can dream right?

6. Longchamp Bag
Big sized, but not luggage-sized, dark blue, short handles. I only want this cuz I saw this at the Thailand airport and it was like 400 RINGGIT which was like, HALF of what they were selling it for at Pavilion. Half!! I asked my mom if she wanna gimme that as my hadiah and she was like, what 400 bucks for something that looks like plastic bag? Haaaiiihhh. Who knows, maybe a rich fella with too much money to spare and lots of compassion is sitting at his computer right now googling 'poor boy dying for a Longchamp bag' and found this blog and then contacted me and then Fedexed it to me OMG WET!! OK, stop dreaming.

7. Blackberry Curve
This one is for the other rich guy with too much money, free time and kindness who's googling 'poor boy dying for a Blackberry'..... Okay, I should really stop fantasizing right about now.

OK, my list is done. I'm feeling happy as though as I already got all the presents sitting in my room right now. Hahaha stupid.

This Is What My Life Has Come To

Going out clubbing 3 nights in a row. Dance like a slut. Develop a nastier-by-the-moment drinking habit.

Going out on random dates with random people. Sometimes you don't even like them that much but what are you gonna do? Stay home and make conversation with the four white walls? Even worse, sometimes you like them and then what do you do? It is exciting, yes - after so long - but also so exhausting when compared to routine, to which you're already used. You have to make an effort at conversation, at keeping up appearances. You gotta be engaging, and laugh at the jokes and tell funny stories so you don't bore them to death. They say they were gonna call, but they still haven't, so do you stare at the phone willing it to ring? Or do you send a text? Would that be too desperate?

4 in the morning and you're still up so you try to keep busy doing something - going through your notes, doing the laundry, cleaning your room, re-reading the book you've read a thousand times before - anything at all, just as long as it distracts you enough from dialling that number your fingers have been tracing the past thirty minutes.

Ugh I fucking hate being single.

Fen Sou De Gan Jue

You know the feeling Howyee always talks about every single time we go on a road trip, the one you get in the car, sitting with your head leaning on the window, looking out into the warm and sunny world with your shades on, singing along to Taylor Swift's Fearless, track number 7. The sad little feeling that you get deep down in your heart even though on the surface you're really happy, just like your family and friends around you, even though (or maybe because of) you're going somewhere far away and unknown. Yeah, I totally had that feeling today. Sigh.

In other news, Bangkok on the first day is AWWWWWSUMMMMMM! Totally hit the road running, we went shopping right away. Of course, lala-free clothes for guys are always a tricky thing, and cuz Joceline still hasn't reached the shopaholic stage yet and cuz Jacq is a fatty meaning that she can't fit into all the "free-sized" items (OMG she was soooo pissed and then soooo desperate to just buy something) so all we spent on, and we spent not little, on accessories and tiny little things! Happy lor =D

Lunch was YUM! Dinner was even more YUMMMM! At first I was like, what? Buffet? Want us to explode or what? But when I saw the spread I was like, Drool! Totally worth gaining 25 kilos for that.

Now Jacq and I are totally itching to go out and experience Thai nightlife and (oooh hopefully) Thai Bad Romance but too bad, we're totally clueless so here I am, pouring things out onto my blog.

This Is Not Just a Movie Review

Oh look, it's March. And I have just watched Valentine's Day.
How bawah tempurung can I get right?
I don't know why so many people hate on it. It was totally cheesy and predictable yes, but also very sweet. That's exactly like V-day itself isn't it? Well, cheesy sweetness is what I need right now. Watched it with my BFF and his BFF, which is the way rom-coms should be watched, if you ask me.

I was just going to write about the movie and then stop but when I opened my inbox like 5 minutes ago, I saw something that I knew I just had to share and I lazy wanna split into two separate posts. There was this heading;

E! News Asia Audition

and involuntarily, I was like !!!!!
and then inside it said;

It was a pleasure meeting you at the auditions. Thank you for coming.

You can see where this is heading right? No? OK, it continued,

But we're sorry that you have not been selected blah blah blah blah....

WAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not like I expected to be the next Giuliana (actually I did). I already expected not to get but still, rejection emails are damn heart-breaking lor.

And my heart is not exactly in the best condition to be (further) broken lor now. How many times can it do that actually? Would it one day reach a limit and from that moment on, you'd feel nothing and just laugh at all the pain that comes your way?
Ah broken hearts. It's why I sometimes prefer bending over a dirty jamban puking so hard I'm shivering and breaking out in cold sweat with my stomach and head feeling like they're about to just explode rather than this. At least that, that is the pain you understand.

Throwing Your Guts Up

Today was hell.

I swear I am never, ever, ever, EVER gonna drink myself into that state again.

I mean, at the bar drinking alone on a Sunday night? What level of pathetic depression is that?

I was puking for an hour in the club. I was puking in class this morning. I was still puking at 3 p.m.

It was starting to feel more like food poisoning rather than the Mother of all Hangovers. Ugh.

At one point I didn't even know what I was vomiting, I hadn't eaten anything and it was red and black like, WTF is that? The lining of my stomach? Ewness.

I am definitely rehabbing myself for a while.

And oh btw, I'm back on the market, in case you were wondering.