Help. I'm drowning.

fuckthisshit

Pain. Guilt. Regret. Utter embarrassment.

I think if there were prizes for Biggest Asshole, there'd be no competition at all.

I'd win it hands-down and it won't be the first time.

Why do I do the shit I do? Fuck I feel so stupid!

Normal people learn from their mistakes. I just find new ways to make them bigger and stupider.

I managed to single-handedly drag more than 10 people all at once, through a shitstorm of drunken drama and tears, wasting everybody's time and energy and money. Fuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuuuccckkkittttt.

Now, 20 hours later, I feel like shit physically and mentally. My head throbs and I am still throwing up, even though at this point, there's nothing left but water and stomach acids. Haven't had anything to eat in over 24 hours because food is like the last thing on my mind. Been having this sudden flashes of hot and cold.

Inside, I just wanna die. I have an intense desire to run away, but I don't know where to. The guilt and self-loathe is so unbearable that I just want someone to pinch me by the ears and say that I've been a bad child and cane my hands till they bleed or something.

The thing is, even at my most drunken, I never completely forget. I lose control but I don't lose memory and the remembrance of all the stupid shit I said and did makes it so much worse because I know I was unreasonable and stubborn and everyone was getting fucking tired. It'd be so much easier if I could forget the disappointed faces, the worried eyes, the angry shouting and the tired sighs that I caused.

Now I have a whole bunch of people who don't really know me, and a another bunch that really means something to me, hating my fucking guts.

Seriously, someone just take a gun and blow my fucking brains out now why don't you?