This Is A Bit Personal, But I Gotta Get It Off My Chest

You always asked me, how do I feel about you now,
And I always say, I don't know.
That's because I really don't.
Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I get so sad. Sometimes I miss you with all my heart.
Surely, if you're able to bring out the most extreme emotions in me, if I can still feel so much, so strongly about you, surely underneath all that, there's still love somewhere, no?

But now I've figured it out.
For one week you were not here. It was the one week I needed you the most.
For everyday that I did not see your face and hear your voice, my heart died a little bit more.
Everyday I tried to deal with the grief, everyday I tried a different way.
And then you came back.
And there was relief, and this strange sense of joy. It was joy yes, but it was bitter and twisted also.
You see, I used to love you with all my heart but since we left each other and in the days that followed, a part of my heart has died.
Of course I still love you, I think I always will but now there's this dead thing in the equation.
They are side by side and connected to each other.
You still move me and the side of the heart that is still alive and well and longing for you but everytime it moves it pulls at the other side and it hurts.
It hurts so fucking bad.
I see you and a smile bubbles up and I wanna hug you so bad and then this pain comes and remind me.
And that is why everytime I kiss you, you taste my tears.

So far, I only know one cure for this condition and it's not even a cure, not even permanent.
It only stops me temporarily from feeling what both sides of my heart wants me to feel.
For a while, that was enough for me.
Once the feelings came again, I would start again.
But.
I've experienced first-hand, twice now, how too many whiskey on the rocks and G&T's and vodka limes and Long Islands can ruin your fucking life and make you wanna kill yourself in the morning.

But even typing this now I know it's not true.
There is a better way to end this pain for good.
You know how sometimes after you accidentally cut yourself or something, a few days after there would be this piece of like scabby skin on top or at the sides of the wound?
And you don't wanna peel it off because peeling it off would really really really hurt and then after that you'd have to look at the reddish-yellow still-oozing-with-pus flesh underneath?
But you know, you just gotta grit your teeth and try to stand the pain of pulling that fucking piece of skin off really fast.
And a few days later, the flesh that looked so fucking disgusting won't look so bad anymore.
It would have started to heal.

Of course, you know that I'm not calling you a piece of scabby skin.
But, I'm pulling you off now.
I'm going to let you go.
I'm going to try.

I'm Doing A Seline!

Ooookaay, this is gonna make me look like a self-absorbed, spoilt brat but really, I am just thinking of you and trying to make your life that tiny bit easier! As I've been going on and on for ages, I think now everybody knows that my birthday is next week so if you have been racking your brains day and night and every single minute (as I know you must have!) thinking of what to get me, of what would make me happiest, then this LIST is just the thing for you.

Okay, people sometimes get the misconception that I'm a high-maintenance diva, I don't know why! I'm a simple boy, from a simple village in Terengganu, simple things make me happy. So let's get the low-maintenance, no brainer gifts out of the way first shall we?

1. Books
I spend a lot on books but still, not enough. Most of the time I blow my allowance on clothes rather than at the bookshop so there's a few books that I've wanted to get since forever but just didn't for some reason or other. It'd be nice if someone got me books cuz it's something that I'd definitely use anyways =) Off the top of my head, a few books I can think of that I want right now are Map of the Invisible World - Tash Aw, The Girl With Glass Feet - Ali Shaw, Still Alice - Lisa Genova. I'm sure there are others. You know my type; funny, witty, a sucker for sad stories or love stories or even better sad love stories, I like pretty covers.

2. CDs
I know right. CDs???? Well, I'm a very traditional guy when it comes to music. For acts I really like, I don't really do the download thing. I get their CDs so I can play it over and over in the car and look at the pretty artwork and sing-along. Plus, my broadband is slow as hell so I don't attempt any heavy duty downloading on it. Echo by Leona Lewis and The Boy Who Knew Too Much by Mika would be nice additions to my music collection, thanks :) P.S No Malaysian editions, please, cuz I want the booklet also.

3. Accessories
I'm just including this cuz I broke my fave pair of shades while I was in Bangkok and I really want a new one. They don't even have to be expensive. My old one was from Vincci! LOL. But of course if someone wants to gimme RayBans I'm not gonna be complaining. I think accessories are fairly easy presents, no? Also, right now I'm seriously into animal jewelry :)

4. Gift Vouchers!
I know some people might hesitate giving gift vouchers because some people don't like receving them; the general thought being that not much heart and effort goes into choosing gift vouchers. Not for me! Heart? Effort? Apa bende tuh??? I love vouchers! A load of Starbucks and/or Topshop/Topman ones would be sooooo appreciated!

Okay, I think I'm done with the easy, generally inexpensive presents so let's move on to the slightly more mid-range ones which you might be thinking of getting as a shared present or whatever.

5. Perfumes
No one can have too many bottles of perfume! Actually I've finished all of mine and just managed to swindle a ck Free from Daddy so there's room for many, many more! ck is more or less my go-to, I like Euphoria, Eternity, etc. Issey Miyakes also I like but I forgot la all their names, they all sound long, same and complicated. Polos also not bad. Happy choosing!

Now, I'm gonna put on the list a couple of things I know no one's gonna get me, unless you're like a mix between Mommy + Santa Claus or just won a hundred k in the lottery but a bitch can dream right?

6. Longchamp Bag
Big sized, but not luggage-sized, dark blue, short handles. I only want this cuz I saw this at the Thailand airport and it was like 400 RINGGIT which was like, HALF of what they were selling it for at Pavilion. Half!! I asked my mom if she wanna gimme that as my hadiah and she was like, what 400 bucks for something that looks like plastic bag? Haaaiiihhh. Who knows, maybe a rich fella with too much money to spare and lots of compassion is sitting at his computer right now googling 'poor boy dying for a Longchamp bag' and found this blog and then contacted me and then Fedexed it to me OMG WET!! OK, stop dreaming.

7. Blackberry Curve
This one is for the other rich guy with too much money, free time and kindness who's googling 'poor boy dying for a Blackberry'..... Okay, I should really stop fantasizing right about now.

OK, my list is done. I'm feeling happy as though as I already got all the presents sitting in my room right now. Hahaha stupid.

This Is What My Life Has Come To

Going out clubbing 3 nights in a row. Dance like a slut. Develop a nastier-by-the-moment drinking habit.

Going out on random dates with random people. Sometimes you don't even like them that much but what are you gonna do? Stay home and make conversation with the four white walls? Even worse, sometimes you like them and then what do you do? It is exciting, yes - after so long - but also so exhausting when compared to routine, to which you're already used. You have to make an effort at conversation, at keeping up appearances. You gotta be engaging, and laugh at the jokes and tell funny stories so you don't bore them to death. They say they were gonna call, but they still haven't, so do you stare at the phone willing it to ring? Or do you send a text? Would that be too desperate?

4 in the morning and you're still up so you try to keep busy doing something - going through your notes, doing the laundry, cleaning your room, re-reading the book you've read a thousand times before - anything at all, just as long as it distracts you enough from dialling that number your fingers have been tracing the past thirty minutes.

Ugh I fucking hate being single.

Fen Sou De Gan Jue

You know the feeling Howyee always talks about every single time we go on a road trip, the one you get in the car, sitting with your head leaning on the window, looking out into the warm and sunny world with your shades on, singing along to Taylor Swift's Fearless, track number 7. The sad little feeling that you get deep down in your heart even though on the surface you're really happy, just like your family and friends around you, even though (or maybe because of) you're going somewhere far away and unknown. Yeah, I totally had that feeling today. Sigh.

In other news, Bangkok on the first day is AWWWWWSUMMMMMM! Totally hit the road running, we went shopping right away. Of course, lala-free clothes for guys are always a tricky thing, and cuz Joceline still hasn't reached the shopaholic stage yet and cuz Jacq is a fatty meaning that she can't fit into all the "free-sized" items (OMG she was soooo pissed and then soooo desperate to just buy something) so all we spent on, and we spent not little, on accessories and tiny little things! Happy lor =D

Lunch was YUM! Dinner was even more YUMMMM! At first I was like, what? Buffet? Want us to explode or what? But when I saw the spread I was like, Drool! Totally worth gaining 25 kilos for that.

Now Jacq and I are totally itching to go out and experience Thai nightlife and (oooh hopefully) Thai Bad Romance but too bad, we're totally clueless so here I am, pouring things out onto my blog.

This Is Not Just a Movie Review

Oh look, it's March. And I have just watched Valentine's Day.
How bawah tempurung can I get right?
I don't know why so many people hate on it. It was totally cheesy and predictable yes, but also very sweet. That's exactly like V-day itself isn't it? Well, cheesy sweetness is what I need right now. Watched it with my BFF and his BFF, which is the way rom-coms should be watched, if you ask me.

I was just going to write about the movie and then stop but when I opened my inbox like 5 minutes ago, I saw something that I knew I just had to share and I lazy wanna split into two separate posts. There was this heading;

E! News Asia Audition

and involuntarily, I was like !!!!!
and then inside it said;

It was a pleasure meeting you at the auditions. Thank you for coming.

You can see where this is heading right? No? OK, it continued,

But we're sorry that you have not been selected blah blah blah blah....

WAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not like I expected to be the next Giuliana (actually I did). I already expected not to get but still, rejection emails are damn heart-breaking lor.

And my heart is not exactly in the best condition to be (further) broken lor now. How many times can it do that actually? Would it one day reach a limit and from that moment on, you'd feel nothing and just laugh at all the pain that comes your way?
Ah broken hearts. It's why I sometimes prefer bending over a dirty jamban puking so hard I'm shivering and breaking out in cold sweat with my stomach and head feeling like they're about to just explode rather than this. At least that, that is the pain you understand.

Throwing Your Guts Up

Today was hell.

I swear I am never, ever, ever, EVER gonna drink myself into that state again.

I mean, at the bar drinking alone on a Sunday night? What level of pathetic depression is that?

I was puking for an hour in the club. I was puking in class this morning. I was still puking at 3 p.m.

It was starting to feel more like food poisoning rather than the Mother of all Hangovers. Ugh.

At one point I didn't even know what I was vomiting, I hadn't eaten anything and it was red and black like, WTF is that? The lining of my stomach? Ewness.

I am definitely rehabbing myself for a while.

And oh btw, I'm back on the market, in case you were wondering.