What Kinda Person Does This Make Me?

My mind is constantly flooded with not-nice, mean, sometimes downright evil thoughts.

And yet when I act on them or say them out loud, I always end up racked with guilt.

Of course not in all cases lah, I've said some pretty mean things that I don't regret at all but lately, I'm not liking the things I have been doing even though the ideas always form with a villainous 'Mwahahaha' ringing in my head.

Sometimes, I say mean, mean things, slanderous, hurtful, untrue things on purpose just to hurt. It's like hurling little needles of accusations into the air and see who gets hurt when they fall on top of all our heads.

But when people do get hurt, how come I don't feel the small sense of triumph that I thought would come with it?

Where is the childish feeling that makes me wanna say 'Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh, look at you you're all hurt and I'm not and I did that I did that ha ha ha' ???

But the needles prick me on my head too on their way down. It's like the throbbing bruise on my palm that reminds me how I hurt myself everytime I hurt you.

But this pain is all I have. It is also all I can do. Without the pain, I'm worried that I will forget. Or worse, you will.

I also realized that lately, I'm becoming more and more like Naomi Campbell, only with ten times the anger management issues and zero the supermodel ferociousness. At the rate I'm going, I'll be throwing hammers and daggers at random passerbys soon.

And I don't wanna screw more people up. I know for sure I don't want to be The Rebound Fella so I'm not gonna put other people in that situation also. Friendly flirting and flings are fine (***wah alliteration!) but only if both parties know that that's what it is. If the other person terjebak, surely somebody will get hurt in the end. It was fun while it lasted, but I gotta stop, for both our sakes. Sorry. I'm reeeaally not in the right state of mind to tick the 'In A Relationship' box now.