This Is A Bit Personal, But I Gotta Get It Off My Chest

You always asked me, how do I feel about you now,
And I always say, I don't know.
That's because I really don't.
Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I get so sad. Sometimes I miss you with all my heart.
Surely, if you're able to bring out the most extreme emotions in me, if I can still feel so much, so strongly about you, surely underneath all that, there's still love somewhere, no?

But now I've figured it out.
For one week you were not here. It was the one week I needed you the most.
For everyday that I did not see your face and hear your voice, my heart died a little bit more.
Everyday I tried to deal with the grief, everyday I tried a different way.
And then you came back.
And there was relief, and this strange sense of joy. It was joy yes, but it was bitter and twisted also.
You see, I used to love you with all my heart but since we left each other and in the days that followed, a part of my heart has died.
Of course I still love you, I think I always will but now there's this dead thing in the equation.
They are side by side and connected to each other.
You still move me and the side of the heart that is still alive and well and longing for you but everytime it moves it pulls at the other side and it hurts.
It hurts so fucking bad.
I see you and a smile bubbles up and I wanna hug you so bad and then this pain comes and remind me.
And that is why everytime I kiss you, you taste my tears.

So far, I only know one cure for this condition and it's not even a cure, not even permanent.
It only stops me temporarily from feeling what both sides of my heart wants me to feel.
For a while, that was enough for me.
Once the feelings came again, I would start again.
But.
I've experienced first-hand, twice now, how too many whiskey on the rocks and G&T's and vodka limes and Long Islands can ruin your fucking life and make you wanna kill yourself in the morning.

But even typing this now I know it's not true.
There is a better way to end this pain for good.
You know how sometimes after you accidentally cut yourself or something, a few days after there would be this piece of like scabby skin on top or at the sides of the wound?
And you don't wanna peel it off because peeling it off would really really really hurt and then after that you'd have to look at the reddish-yellow still-oozing-with-pus flesh underneath?
But you know, you just gotta grit your teeth and try to stand the pain of pulling that fucking piece of skin off really fast.
And a few days later, the flesh that looked so fucking disgusting won't look so bad anymore.
It would have started to heal.

Of course, you know that I'm not calling you a piece of scabby skin.
But, I'm pulling you off now.
I'm going to let you go.
I'm going to try.