I'm Not Lindsay!

Yay I'm so proud of myself! I managed to resist temptation and stayed home instead of boozing and partying, THREE SATURDAYS in a row! Especially at the beginning of the month, when I'm not broke like hell and can still afford to do so.

I reached home from Pavilion at 10-ish and I thought, maybe I could rest for a couple of hours then run out to the club at around 1 something.

Sometimes it's not like you really want to drink, or really want to dance, or really want hook up with someone. You just wanna be somewhere, doing something.

But staying at home and staring at the computer for 5 hours straight is doing something, right? Right???

I kept thinking to myself 'Control yourself, control yourself!' and Andy's new nickname for me (which is Trainwreck btw) and how I don't want to be known as that and it took all my effort not to dress up and drive out.

It's not like by abstaining from clubbing I'm leading a healthier life or what. It's 4 am and I'm still awake so yep, still unhealthy. It's just that I'm trying to reduce the amount of times I'm stumbling around drunk and slurring at random strangers.

But you know what, my life is like a fucking TV drama. It's unbelievable. Just when I thought, hey I'm better now, moving on, nothing to see here, you can stop worrying about me now, blah blah blah, the shit just like, doubles. Seriously, I don't know how to deal. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL OKAY!

Breathe.

Phew. Seriously, I'm fine. And I don't want pity.

Digressing here:
I just want to strangle someone! Two someones actually. I know I tend to be dramatic and paranoid but I'm not fucking stupid okay? I'm clueless about lots of things like cars and mechanical stuff and artsy fartsy things but NOT about this. I had a hunch and I didn't want it to be right. But I was toooo busybody for my own good and I dug it out (not that it really needed to be dug out) and now would I feel better if I didn't know? I don't know. I think I wouldn't have liked living a lie, even if it's a beautiful one. Now I'm just alternating between feeling pissed and.... yeah, I'm just feeling pissed, like all the fucking time. Who do I hate more? I cannot decide. And yet I still wait for calls and texts and dinners and coming home. GGRRRHHH I hate this kinda split-personality punya uncertainty!

Shit man. Now I feel like I'm going crazy, after re-reading all the things I've written here. How did an entry that started with what seemed like semi-happiness became more and more emo and then ended with all this Rage? With all these crazy emotions in me, no wonder I was drinking like mad the last few weeks. (Last few weeks okay, now my liver and I are back to normal!)

And an even more important question, why am I still stuck on this after so many days, weeks??? Usually I'm an excellent bounce-backer. I'm superb. I laugh at people, I laugh at myself. Nothing fazes me. So why now like this? WHY? Is it because You Won't Get Out of My Fucking Life? Or is it because The One Who Was Supposed to Help Me Get Through It is now causing a whole other set of headaches and heartbreaks?

Oh well, I'm a strong bitch. And this is already much much longer than it should have been. It was supposed to be a few lines, a "Hey look at me! I stayed home! I'm a good boy! Not an alco! Not Lindsay! Woohoo!" kinda thing and then it turned into this. Siao.

I guess it's cuz now I have lots of things to say and no one to say it to. LOL. And I really do feel better after this massive how-do-I-feel vomit, so whatever helps right? At least I'm not doing drugs =D